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August 3rd, 2007 @ 9:13 pm
Writer's Block: By Any Other Name [
]
[ mood | bouncy ]

If you could rename yourself in real life, what would you choose, and why?

I honestly think my name is fine. I wouldn't like a new real name, by rather... a "stage name."

I used to hate my first name (Caitlin) but then I started going by Lin. After a while, I noticed that Caitlin had a nice ring to it. 

People say "thats my name, dont wear it out" all the time. Honestly I had never realized that it really worked that way. The less people called me by my real name, the more I liked it. Using a nickname keeps it special.

The next school year is starting and I'm in a new place. Time for a new name! haha <3

My brother-in-law hates that I do this.

He lives with us and so people call asking for me and he doesn't know who they are talking about, ahaha.

C M E

July 11th, 2007 @ 11:47 pm
Could I have some cries with that wamburger? [
]
[ mood | distressed ]

I finally got to go to the beach.

It really sucked.

The entire trip.

It just... god. I hate myself right now.

I'm an idiot.

I keep on fucking up stuff.

And now I'm emoing all over the internet.

AGHH!!!!

SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE WAMBULANCE!!! WAHHHHhhhh WAHHHHhhhh!!!!

I'm being pathetic, it's like... aghhhh.

I'm sure you have seen people that post stuff on blogs about how much their life sucks and how everything is their fault, and they can't seem to do anything right, and they are gonna grow up and be a loser and a nobody and die with nothing to their name?

And you know how it makes you want to bitchslap them until they figure out what their problem is and get off their ass and fix it?

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BITCHSLAP ME?

There I go yelling again. I'm so loud. But only on the computer. I like to use big fonts when I instant message. Maybe I'm subconciously making up for being so quiet and polite out here in the real world.

I'm seriously considering asking my mom to hire a shrink for me.

I just need somebody that won't run away. I need to talk to someone and know that they won't tell anyone, that they won't ditch me. I feel so detatched from the world and I am starting to wonder if it's not the world I've seperated myself from, but rather, myself. 

Am I losing my connection with myself?

Oh god, not that movie, ahaha. I watched Suicide Circle with my sister yesterday. At first it made absolutely no sense, but then after I'd slept on it, it started to make perfect sense to me.

But anyway, like I was saying, maybe I should get a shrink. 

What I really want are some antidepressents. Nothing permanent, just a safemode until I can fix whatever it is that is wrong. Then once that is under control I can't get off the drugs and try to handle things from there.

But I have a theory that a nice hard slap across the face could wake me up enough to get through this.

Please?

I promise not to tell anyone?

Whatever. It's late, I'm going to bed. My bed faces my plethera(sp?!?) of Mana posters. Now that I think about it they expression on his face kind of makes me wanna get my ass in gear. Like he's glaring at me.

Oh god.

Even my posters are telling me to stop being such a dumbass. 

If they could talk they would be saying 'You stupid girl, stop your whining and just fix the damn problem! You don't have to be happy with where your life is, you just have to be willing to do something about it.'

Only in a very aristocratic way, with bigger words and less cursing.

Haha. I just had a vision of myself backstage at a Moi dix Mois concert begging Mana to bitchslap me.

Goodnight. For real this time, I swear.

C M E

June 24th, 2007 @ 1:50 am
Fake Friends [
]
[ mood | crappy ]

People who like to take advantage of other people are stupid.

They are stuck up and sefish.

I hate people.

And all my friends are fake.

Or am I the fake?

I don't know anymore.

I think I've lost my identity again.

Or maybe I just never really reclaimed it.

C M E

June 19th, 2007 @ 10:39 pm
Restless Waiting... [
]
[ mood | anxious ]

      It's two in the morning and I'm still awake. Many would asume by that statement something was wrong, but I must confess, it is my own doing and most probably the norm. 
      These days without school are spent doing nothing important, yet always dreaming of the things I could accomplish. The concept is there, but the motive to step forward in an attempt to accomplish these goals is lacking. Some would say something was missing, something wasn't right, but in all honesty, I find myself the only one to blame for this. Laziness? Could that be it? Yet I feel so restless. 
     In truth -something I have spent much time pondering- I know the answer to all of this: I yearn for the sea. In but twelve more days I will see it once again, as I stand on the grainy shore and breath the salty air -the only thing that seems to put my seasonal sicknesses to ease. 
     Ah, the ocean. It has been far too long indeed! Two --no, no,  possibly 3 years since I last set foot on such a wonderful paradise. In but twelve days I will embrace it once again. I plan to do much reading on my trip, for my restless mind will ease. I also plan to start writing again, something I've been hoping to do for many months now. 
     I cannot wait, but I must... Such a cruel fate it is, to be parted from what you love and then have it thrown back to you after so long...but for it to be just out of reach. Just beyond my grasp! 
     This darkness, this emptiness, it suffocates me! I long for those days in the warm sun again, and for those nights with their salty breeze... Come, now, clock! Run your minutes faster! You stand in my way of the sea!
     I say these words, say them over and over, but nothing will change. Nothing but my patience... it only grows shorter. 
     I hope these days will grow shorter... Perhaps I should start sleeping in longer... Time seems to go more quickly in the hours of the night. My gosh! The clock! It already reads half past two! Then, now, to bed I shall go, and wake not until half past two in the afternoon.
     I hope you all are enjoying your summers in more success than I. 

/Caitlin/

Edit: This is being posted the day after I wrote it, because my computer decided to die as I was clicking the post button... Thank god for it saving drafts...

1 R C M E

April 14th, 2007 @ 11:28 pm
work you stupid layout [
]
LAWDY LAWDY LAWDY
C M E

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